BUILDING SELF ESTEEM - CARICATURE YOUR LIFE

PART 2 - LOOKING IN THE MIRROR

You have got a hold of this ebook for a reason. Do you recognize a lack of esteem in yourself? Are you reading this because you care or are responsible for someone else who is struggling with self worth and you want to help?

Webster’s defines ‘es•teem’ as being ‘to regard with respect; prize’

Therefore, according to Webster’s, low self-esteem is to regard oneself with a low level of respect. If this definition is accurate then we can do a simple exercise to help uncover what that might mean for us.

Think of someone who does not have your respect.
List all the reasons.

You will probably find you now have a list of what you perceive to be negative attitudes and behaviors. You need to analyze your list.

Do you have a list of things that are contrary to your preference or what you hold to be true or valid? Your lack of respect is probably connected to a disagreement between your beliefs and what you perceive their beliefs to be.

So, in a very simple sense, if we have a lack of respect for ourselves then it is probably due to either inconsistent or even contrary beliefs, or we recognize when our actions are not congruous with the values we hold to be true.

Let’s continue the process by answering a few questions about how you’re feeling?

- Are the feelings you recognize as being negative always there?
- Do they come and go?
- Have they only just started and caught you by surprise?
- Can you remember a time when you didn’t feel this way?

Whether your low esteem has been a part of you for as long as you can remember, whether it comes and goes, or has just arrived out of the blue. You will find that the key to addressing it is in your belief systems.

Let me just clarify what I mean by your ‘belief system’. Beliefs are values and truths you hold to be true. A system is a group of independent but interrelated elements comprising a unified whole – a complex of methods or rules governing behavior.


Let me give you a really simple example:

Belief no1 – Mum’s should always patient.
Belief no2 – Mum’s are busy.
Belief no3 – Every child needs a good mum.
Belief no4 – ‘Bad’ parenting negatively affects children’s security.
Belief no5 – All insecure children fail to succeed and end up nowhere.

The above set of beliefs operates as a system. The likely outcome is that if through tiredness, circumstances or just plain old frustration a mum is impatient with their child; she will feel like a ‘bad’ mum and to her that means her child is doomed to fail.

LIST BELOW as many answers as possible. (Write down the first things that come to you, don’t think too much and go until you run out)

 

Low Self Esteem is essentially a civil war. It is an internal battle between two belief systems that disagree. We often spot the struggle between these two in our behavior causing emotional torment.

Another way to look at this is as a lack of integrity. Integrity means ‘wholeness’. It is when beliefs and actions are congruent. If they lack congruency then we end up in conflict and our pride in ourselves plummets.

You may find that you see and feel very differently about yourself in different contexts. At home you maybe clear and confident about who you are, and yet when you get to your workplace you feel like you’re falling apart – as though you are a completely different person. Then again the reverse maybe true; at work you’re astounded by how confident and positive you are, but then in another context you a gibbering wreck.

You may want to have a few different lists for different contexts and see if there is a pattern.

Just go over your lists again and see if there is anything else you want to add – this is an ongoing activity and so items can be added (and soon deleted) at any time.

QUESTIONS TO ASK

In a moment we are going to answer at a few questions about the different lists. But before this I want you to check something.

Are there any absolute words in there – ie ‘always, never, only’ etc.

Does the word ‘just’ or ‘only’ frequently occur?

If so, I suggest we start by asking whether…

1. Your absolutes are true. Do you ALWAYS have to do ….? Do you NEVER…?

2. Are you ’JUST’ and ‘ONLY’?

3. How would it feel to remove the absolutes? In most cases it doesn’t change the subject of the belief system – but it does release you from having to be perfect.

Can you think of anything else meaning the ‘just’ and ‘only’ can become, ‘often’, ‘sometimes’, ‘partially’ etc. Altering these small but powerfully restrictive words can change a huge amount.


I SHOULD BE…
- How do you know you should be something?
- Why should you be it?
- What would happen if you were to change that?
- Who would it affect if you changed that belief?
- Has that belief come from somebody or somewhere else? Do you own it because they help you, or have they been forced on you by somebody else?

I AM…
- Who told you? Has someone or something led you to believe that?


There is only one question for the ‘I AM’ list because it is really the only important one. Whether it is a boss, spouse, child, teacher, friend or colleague. Whether it’s our interpretation of our own behavior or just a hunch you have. At some point you need to ask yourself is that WHO YOU ARE?

‘I AM’ is a loaded prefix. Does the list contain ‘who you are’ or ‘what you sometimes do’?

‘I am’ and ‘I do’ are not the same thing.

Take a look at your list. Are there any contrary statements? If so, you need to settle the contradictions.


ADD, DELETE or RE-ORDER.

Hopefully now you can start to look a little deeper.

ADD – Are there any beliefs that you have not listed that if included would help settle a contradiction – can you add in exceptions.

DELETE – You may well find that some beliefs are just not good for you. In that case you have to make a conscious decision not to hold them anymore. This may sound contrary – but think about it. All beliefs are convictions we hold because they have been proved to us to be beneficial or true. While reading and thinking these through you may have become aware that some of your beliefs are neither beneficial nor true – so lose them

RE-ORDER – This is very powerful. If a system is an order that produces an outcome; then you can re-order to change the outcome or conclude another belief.


We’ll use our example to see these in action.

Belief #1 – Mum’s should always patient.
Belief #2 – Mum’s are busy.
Belief #3 – Every child needs a good mum.
Belief #4 – ‘Bad’ parenting negatively affects children’s security.
Belief #5 – All insecure children fail to succeed and end up nowhere.


Take out Belief #1 (delete) – now read the system again and consider what outcome it may produce.

Now add a new belief in the #1 spot. ‘Mum’s should try and be patient’. What does that do to it?

Now reorder – place that revised belief at the end of the system. What outcome will that system produce?

By simple addition, deletion and/or reordering we can change the system to produce different behavior.

Whilst on a visit to the NASA base, the President was visiting and meeting all the staff. After half an hour of walking along the welcome line shaking people’s hands and finding out each person’s role he came noticed a member of the cleaning team shifting some bags and boxes around and tidying up. He approached and asked what he was doing. “I’m putting a man on the moon” the man replied.

The story demonstrates a very important principle. In the work place it is vital that you understand and recognize your contribution.
It would have been very easy for the man to reply “Oh, I’m just the cleaner.” His belief system was such that he had decided to accept that his contribution was vital to the success of the mission.

CLICK HERE FOR PART 3

(c) Copyright 2005. Steve Holloway. All Rights reserved